WeightWatchers, Doggy-Style

Just the one for me today,

I’m trying to watch my weight.

I’m not the sprite I was, you see,

With just a six inch waist.

Just the one for me right now,

I’m going for a run.

Well, “dawdle” is more accurate,

A run is not so fun.

Just the one for me today,

I shouldn’t but I will.

The grapefruit I had earlier

Did make me feel quite ill.

Just the one for me, I think,

It looks a tasty treat,

But on closer inspection

I see that it contains wheat.

Just one more for me? Ok,

But then I have to dash:

My jeans were so damn tight today

I came out in a rash.

Just one more for me - why not?

It’s rude to eat and split.

The diet starts tomorrow,

You can make a note of it.

Just one more for me, for sure!

I’ll take another bite.

How can treats be wrong when they

Do taste so very right?

Just one more for me, old man,

Oh, go on, just one more?

You can’t withhold them now, you fiend,

Oh, please, I do implore!

Come back here with that pack, old man,

Now, listen, give it here,

I want those treats inside me, Sir,

I’ll chase you, have no fear!

Don’t make me gallop after you, I

Can run oh-so-fast!

Don’t put those snacks away, my friend,

Don’t you dare leave this park!

Don’t drive off just ignoring me

Oh, wow. You did. That’s rich.

Excuse me while I pause just here,

Those treats gave me a stitch.

LDN BY DSY

Riding through the city in a bike all day

‘Cos everyone thinks it’s witty.

Doesn’t make me laugh and they don’t even care

That it’s me that they’re making look silly.

Everyone seems to giggle and laugh

At my head poking over the basket,

To them it’s a hoot but to me it really feels

Like I’m wedged right inside a casket.

I think I might cry, oh why, oh why

Can’t I get out all by myself?

Really seems unfair, oh why, oh why

Can’t they do it to someone else?

I know you enjoy,

Treating me like a toy,

But if you keep this up, boy,

I’ll make such a noise.

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof,

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof,

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof - woof woof.

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof,

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof,

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof - woof woof.

The day shall come when you’re riding down the road

And I leap out onto the pavement.

Don’t you say I can’t, I’m practicing the trick,

And one of these days I’ll make it.

Then you’ll be so scared and utterly confused

As I peg it way up the high street.

That’ll serve you right and freedom’ll taste better

Than any of those manky dog treats.

Then you’ll say why, oh why, oh why

Did we treat her just like a puppet?

And I won’t even care ‘cos I’ll be long gone by then,

You silly old human muppet.

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof,

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof,

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof - woof woof.

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof,

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof,

Woof woof woof, woof woof woof - woof woof.

Mini-Me

At last I’ve found a protégé,

At last the time has come

For me to pass down all my gifts:

This could be rather fun.

Right, Fluffy, listen close, my dear,

I’ll say this only once,

So écoute, my precious one,

And get this in your bonce:

You’re cute, so sweet, a furry ball,

Make sure you stay as such.

None will e’er say no to you:

Your face will their hearts crush.

Look up, look high, keep those eyes wide

As dinner plates, small friend,

And then their playing with your ears

Will never come to end.

They’ll want to tuck you in their beds

And pop you on the shelf,

They’ll giggle when they see you near

And look after your health.

If you can flip onto your back

So they can scratch your tummy,
That’ll bag you brownie points - 

They think it’s so damn funny.

And once you’ve gained your access

Deep into their human hearts

It’s time to use that noggin, Fluff,

It’s time to play your cards.

You’ll know by then how to unlock

The back and kitchen doors,

And how to open up the safe,

Even on all fours.

You’ve seen the code, you know it well

So, go on, tap it in.

5, 6, 7, 7, 3 and 8,

Good pooch! Fetch that tin!

Fluff-Fluff, pass it over here,

That’s my clever girl.

You are a keeper, that’s for sure,

I’ve taught you oh so well.

And now, let’s scarper, let us scram,

Let’s hop aboard the plane,
I’ve had my eye, for quite some time,
On a condo in south Spain.

We’ll lounge all day beside the pool

With cocktails in our paws,

And no one will ever suspect

Two puppy dogs of fraud.

Un Homage

You’ve been watching me some time, I know,
I see you from afar;

Don’t think that I don’t notice when

You’re crouched behind that car.

Or climbing up my drainpipes before

Resting on the ledge,

Tapping on my window and then

Falling in the hedge.

The first time that I saw you I did think

You were alright,

We had a hoot and I was sad

To return home that night.

We chased the pigeons, ate some treats 

And had a wee or three,

Sniffed some stuff and made some pals

And ran away from leads.

When I was taken home I recall

Thinking “What a shame,

I didn’t get her number,

Didn’t even ask her name.”

Little did I know that I would get to 

Know you well.

(Too well, and that your name - Saffy -

Would come to be a warning knell.)

It started slow, with daisys pinned around

Your little neck.

Un homage, I thought, how flattering!

I rather like this chick.

But then you growled at other hounds who

Came up close to me.

“Saff!” I said, “Do, please, behave!

There’s always room for three.”

Your soft face turned a shade of pink

I’d never seen before,

If we’d been home (not in the park)

You would’ve slammed a door.

Next day you dyed your coat the deepest,

Darkest shade of black.

I only clocked you by the wilting daisy

Drooping round your neck.

I trotted near to ask you what had

Happened to yourself,
Why you’d gone all goth on me

And if you’d lost your mental health.

You turned and tutted, raised a brow

And told me I had changed,

So it was then I understood

That you were quite deranged.

And from that day you’ve staked me round

The depths of London town.

Far down to Brixton, east to Bow

And up to Hackney Downs.

And when I hear that name, Saffroon,

Whistled on the wind

I know you are not far behind

And jump out of my skin.

Let Me Go

Stop it, please, don’t pull so tight,

It tweaks my neck, gives me a fright.

Why can’t I trot along instead

Without this loop around my head?

It’s so demeaning, so unfair,

I look so daft, it ruins my hair,

And when we walk along like this

I do not get to stop and sniff.

You leave me in the house all day

So now it is my turn to play.

If I prefer to stroll than pace

You’ll let me, dammit, I won’t race.

It isn’t in my nature, see,

I’m cautious and pernickety.

I like to amble, like to pause

To sit to contemplate the cause

Of all the suff’ring in the world

And how those oysters make their pearls.

Our daily treading of the street

For me, you know, is such a treat.

You lot all sit and quaff your Pimm’s

But I’m dependent on your whims

(Which often seem so very queer).

So now’s my time to guide and steer.

And if I say “Let’s stop and sniff”

You’ll do it, dammit, do it! Sniff!

There, isn’t that a lovely smell?

I think it’s chicken - peas as well.

And over here we have some bins,

Go on, get that schnozzer in.

Below the kerb’s my favourite spot,

Come now, let’s see what we’ve got...

That whiff is Monty, this one’s Paws,

It’s that patch there that Bert adores,

But don’t let’s venture past that tree - 

That’s cat domain, it ain’t for me.

If pooches pad that grassy knoll

The boss cat, Minx, will unleash hell.

She’ll make them mewl and waul all night

You know that dreadful racket, right?

The one that keeps you from your beds

And drills dementia through your heads?

The noise that kills your dreams of slumber

And prevents you from slipping under.

Now, I won’t say in actual words -

Or even in a lengthy verse -

Why I do disclose all of this,

But I’m not one for empty threats.

Let’s just say my tactics are

Beyond your paltry human grasp.

So don’t you tug me, that-a girl,

Take the lead, remove the coil

Of fabric that is far too tight

And you shall then sleep well tonight.

Peacock Envy

Oh, good grief, he's doing it again,
Flapping about like a lunatic on crack,
Right in the middle of me telling him
How mortgage repayments have gone up.

He’s such a show-off, that pea-cock.

I never realised it before,

You know, but he only does it

When the cameras

Come out. Performing clown.

I’m sure he never, ever listens to me.

Like the time I told him Royal Mail

Lost that cheque in the post,

Or when my car failed its MOT. Nothing.

Just prunes and puffs, puffs and prunes.

A broken record,

A really dull broken record,

Not the sort of record you don’t mind

Skipping because you like all the bits anyway.

Your oohs and aahs have really

Gone to that minuscule head of his.

Look at it! It’s tiny! It’s like a teaspoon

Sitting on a big blue pear.

Anyway, they don’t know this, but he’s moulting.

I found some of those gaudy feathers behind

The old oak. And the other day I heard him

Behind the holly bush, sniffling and

Crying because he’d found a grey one.

I could totally get the attention,

If I wanted it.

Not that I do.

I just need a lick of paint.