Dog On Dog

There is something on my back,

I can feel it lying there,

Is it going to attack?

My, it has a lot of hair.

It doesn’t feel so strong,

No, it’s really rather light,

But it seems to be quite long,

Oh Lord, will it be there all night?

It must have climbed aboard

When I think I drifted off

And I feel a little floored -

Though it’s sort of kind of soft.

Maybe it’s a gremlin

(‘Cos I know it’s not the cat)

It could be a small person,

Or perhaps a silly hat?

He doesn’t seem to talk

For he hasn’t said a thing

And he never ever barks

Or chirps, or growls, or rings.

He doesn’t move an inch,

Even if I stir,

And he doesn’t make me itch

(He has very nice soft fur).

In fact, I don’t know why I’m whiny

For this thing that’s lying on me,

He does make me feel quite cosy;

I’m as toasty as can be.

A Frog, A Dog And A Tiger

I hear you before I see you.

A small croak, one crooked offbeat to the

Padded patter of my feet.

I wonder what you are doing down there,

Sitting in the road, waiting for a bus.

The city is a funny place for a frog.

Particularly one called Tiger.

You don’t say much, your throat is busy

Thump, thump, thumping

And your bug eyes don’t tell me anything

That your tight fists don’t.

I wonder what you might taste like,

You look a little dry.

I want to poke you but I have never seen

One of you before. Do you bite?

A pie box is fetched from the cafe across

The road and you are scooped up and

Dropped into it.

Lunch, I guess.

But when we reach the garden

I am shut inside and you are the one

Released out onto the grass.

I’ll find you later, I think.

You just need a good dressing.

To Market We Go

A pound of ripe tomatoes, please,

And half a tub of lemons,

Six slightly green bananas, sir,

And two of those plump melons.

One avocado - make it two -

And then some tangerines

(I feel some sniffles coming on,

I need some Vitty C).

Why don’t we get a pineapple?

They are such fun to eat!

I love Jerusalem artichokes,

Ooh, they’ll be such a treat.

Do be so kind and throw me over

Sixteen bulbs of garlic -

I’m doing Sunday roast, you see,

So do chuck in some parsnips.

Let’s cook some tatties, ten will do,

And steam some long french beans.

For pudding I’ll do fruit compote

With cinnamon and cream.

What do you mean by laughing at me?

What’s so funny now?

You’ve never seen a shopping dog?

Jeez, man, don’t have a cow.

Just because I’m more sophisticated

Than the rest

It doesn’t call for mockery,

It’s impolite to jest.

Now, how much do I owe you, fella,

How much might that be?

Fifteen pounds, you say, do you?

Fifteen pounds. I see.

Now here’s the rub, sir,

Here’s the snag,

I don’t mean to be funny,

But after all, I’m just a mutt,

I don’t have any money.

Now, hold that temper, don’t get cross,

Please don’t shout at me,

Let’s put this all behind us now,

How ‘bout a cup of tea?

And anyway, you really have been

Paid an awful lot

In kind if not in actual cash:

Hey, you just met a talking dog.