Bathtime

One day, when I’m bigger than you,

I’ll see how you like being plunged

Into a sinkful of tepid water, held down,

And scrubbed until you’re pink.

One day, when I’m bigger than you,

I’ll see how you like being splashed

And flannelled with bubbly soap that

Makes you itch and smells funny.

One day, when I’m bigger than you,

I’ll see how you like having your toes

So close to the plughole when I let the water

Out. See if you'll get sucked down, too.

One day, when I’m bigger than you,

I’ll hoist you out of the sink,

Plop you on the floor and laugh and laugh as you run about,

Naked and embarrassed, shaking yourself dry.

I do hope one day comes soon, it seems to be taking

Forever.

Naptime

Naptime is the best of times to

Formulate my plan;

How I’m going to get into the

Fridge and eat the ham.

I look so cute, I seem so furry

Wrapped in this pink shawl -

But just you wait, I’ll hatch my plot

And I shall fox them all...

All bundled up and oh, so warm,

My cogs are whirring fast:

I’ll find a chair, I’ll hop on up,

That ham! It shall be mine at last!

The trickiest of all the steps

Is opening the door;

I haven’t got the thumbs for it,

Oh, damn these dratted, useless paws!

And so I’ll have to grit my teeth

To yank it open wide.

It may well hurt but I won’t care when

I see all the treats inside.

A slice of cheese (I’ll have, to start)

And then a glass of milk,

Some leftover lasagne, please,

What’s up on the top shelf?

I spy some cake, I’ll munch that, too

And two fat legs of chicken,

I love this sausage and this pie,

This curry’s finger-lickin’.

And now I take my final bow

And peel back silver foil.

I see my ham - it’s glistening pink -

And well worth all the toil.

I lift one paw and rest upon the shelf

That holds my prize -

I stretch my jaw and open wide and

Pop the treasured pig inside.

I jump back down onto the chair and

Nudge the fridge door shut.

I made a mess, but do I care? Not me.

I’m just the cute white mutt...

I wake from napping with a stir and

Casually glance around.

I lift up blankie but, alas! The ham is

Nowhere to be found.

I dreamt it all, it wasn’t real,

I didn’t get the ham.

And never shall it be my prize for

Such a lazy pooch I am.

I’d rather lie here, nice and snug,

Than go on escapades.

I’ll leave those to a different dog,

Some other time, another day.

Fetch

They’re doing it again.
Throwing sticks.

Man, they think I’m

Super-thick.

Tossing here and

Chucking there,

Does it look as if

I care?

Lobbing balls

Across the park,

Watching how the

Others bark

And run so fast

They almost snap

Their little legs

And crack their backs.

Pelting through

The muddy grass,

“Look at me,” they shriek,

“I'm fast!”

They’re laughing at you,

Can’t you see?

They think you’re stupid,

Not like me.

I never fall for

Childish games,

And if you do,

Well, I think you’re lame.

Those patronising games

Of fetch;

Jesus wept,

They make me retch.