Let Me Go

Stop it, please, don’t pull so tight,

It tweaks my neck, gives me a fright.

Why can’t I trot along instead

Without this loop around my head?

It’s so demeaning, so unfair,

I look so daft, it ruins my hair,

And when we walk along like this

I do not get to stop and sniff.

You leave me in the house all day

So now it is my turn to play.

If I prefer to stroll than pace

You’ll let me, dammit, I won’t race.

It isn’t in my nature, see,

I’m cautious and pernickety.

I like to amble, like to pause

To sit to contemplate the cause

Of all the suff’ring in the world

And how those oysters make their pearls.

Our daily treading of the street

For me, you know, is such a treat.

You lot all sit and quaff your Pimm’s

But I’m dependent on your whims

(Which often seem so very queer).

So now’s my time to guide and steer.

And if I say “Let’s stop and sniff”

You’ll do it, dammit, do it! Sniff!

There, isn’t that a lovely smell?

I think it’s chicken - peas as well.

And over here we have some bins,

Go on, get that schnozzer in.

Below the kerb’s my favourite spot,

Come now, let’s see what we’ve got...

That whiff is Monty, this one’s Paws,

It’s that patch there that Bert adores,

But don’t let’s venture past that tree - 

That’s cat domain, it ain’t for me.

If pooches pad that grassy knoll

The boss cat, Minx, will unleash hell.

She’ll make them mewl and waul all night

You know that dreadful racket, right?

The one that keeps you from your beds

And drills dementia through your heads?

The noise that kills your dreams of slumber

And prevents you from slipping under.

Now, I won’t say in actual words -

Or even in a lengthy verse -

Why I do disclose all of this,

But I’m not one for empty threats.

Let’s just say my tactics are

Beyond your paltry human grasp.

So don’t you tug me, that-a girl,

Take the lead, remove the coil

Of fabric that is far too tight

And you shall then sleep well tonight.