Mini-Me

At last I’ve found a protégé,

At last the time has come

For me to pass down all my gifts:

This could be rather fun.

Right, Fluffy, listen close, my dear,

I’ll say this only once,

So écoute, my precious one,

And get this in your bonce:

You’re cute, so sweet, a furry ball,

Make sure you stay as such.

None will e’er say no to you:

Your face will their hearts crush.

Look up, look high, keep those eyes wide

As dinner plates, small friend,

And then their playing with your ears

Will never come to end.

They’ll want to tuck you in their beds

And pop you on the shelf,

They’ll giggle when they see you near

And look after your health.

If you can flip onto your back

So they can scratch your tummy,
That’ll bag you brownie points - 

They think it’s so damn funny.

And once you’ve gained your access

Deep into their human hearts

It’s time to use that noggin, Fluff,

It’s time to play your cards.

You’ll know by then how to unlock

The back and kitchen doors,

And how to open up the safe,

Even on all fours.

You’ve seen the code, you know it well

So, go on, tap it in.

5, 6, 7, 7, 3 and 8,

Good pooch! Fetch that tin!

Fluff-Fluff, pass it over here,

That’s my clever girl.

You are a keeper, that’s for sure,

I’ve taught you oh so well.

And now, let’s scarper, let us scram,

Let’s hop aboard the plane,
I’ve had my eye, for quite some time,
On a condo in south Spain.

We’ll lounge all day beside the pool

With cocktails in our paws,

And no one will ever suspect

Two puppy dogs of fraud.