Beachy Lover, Spotted

I spotted you, you spotted thing,

Gazing out to sea.

Standing gracefully ‘neath the sun,

Just in front of me.

Your tail so pert, your coat so white,

Your ears so floppy black,

Your long, fine legs were carrying

The smooth slope of your back.

I stopped fast when I spotted you

And turned back on myself;

I knew you would be trouble but

Sometimes one just can’t help oneself.

I coughed a little - coyly, like -

And kicked about some sand,

Hoping that you’d turn around and

Take me by the hand

And whisk me off to paradise

On T’other end of beach.

But turn to face me you did not,

Our love, it felt so out of reach.

I thought of all the wondrous things

We could have done together:

Chasing cats and eating bones

In just all kinds of weather.

Taking long walks on the shore -

Peaceful, me and you -

We could have played chess or backgammon,

Even rented a canoe.

I saw a gang of little puppies:

Furry, spotty, white.

I saw our future, knew it well

And vowed you would be mine tonight.

I puffed my snowy, downy coat

And slicked back wayward hair,

Prepared to venture up to you

And make you see me, make you care.

The walk to you was infinite,

A never-ending stroll,

(I even tripped on a big shell

And used a child to break my fall)

But the second that I reached your side

I knew that I’d come home,

I didn’t even need the words

I’d carefully jotted down.

I lay my head upon your side and rested,

Closed my eyes,

But what you did next startled me,

Your actions took me by surprise:

You growled at me, you bared your teeth,

Ready to attack,

My eyes popped open and I jumped

And then I stumbled quite far back.

Turns out you were not quite the man

You had seemed from back there.

My heart did rip asunder

As you barked at me, disturbed the air.

I scuttled off (I have to say,

I was a little scared),

Part of me - no, all of me -

Had really thought you’d truly care.

Alas, alack, ‘twas not to be,

Our peachy, beachy love.

But, hark! Check out that spaniel, there!

Right, Spotty, scram! Just beat it! Shove!

A Funny Think Happened On The Way To The Park

A funny thing happened on the way to the park,

I’ll tell you, just listen to this:

As we walked past the pond and the nest full of larks

Was a sight that one just could not miss.

Pigs, there were, four of them, all pink and brown,

Would you believe it? I didn’t at first.

Just nibbling grass and mooching around

By the trees, and rolling in dirt.

Now, I know what you're thinking, I know you attest:

"With this sight, whatever is wrong?"

And right you would be if we lived near some fields but

In London town, pigs! They just do not belong.

I would not have believed that these creatures were swine

If not for the informative sign:

“Do not feed the pigs” said the sign of the swine

And so swine they most certainly were, I resigned.

“Breathtaking beasts,” I said to the baby

Sitting nearby in a pram.

Baby had no response - enraptured, I guess -

So I turned my head back to the pigs and their mam.

“Yoo-hoo!” I proffered to this curly-tailed gang,

“Oi, look over here, look at me!”

But the gang didn’t care for my friendly advances

They only cared for their grub, do you see.

Pigs after my own heart, I thought to myself,

Wise beasts are these pink things, I think.

Now let's get the hell out of here, sharpish, let’s run.

They may be smart but, good Christ, do they stink.

Best Of Friends

I didn’t much like you when you arrived,

I made no pretence of that.

I preferred my house the way that it was,

I really didn’t care for a cat.

I barked at you daily, I growled (to your face!),

I never went near where you were.

I left rooms that I sat in when you strode by

I didn’t like your fur. Or your purr.

But you didn’t care for my whines and my barks,

You laughed at my snooty asides.

You pretended I didn’t exist for a while,

You laughed when I thought you should cry.

I liked that you didn’t seem scared of my woof,

So thought that I’d give you a go

And see if you had what it took to live here

To see if this braveness was real or for show.

I touched your small head with a nudge of my paw

And waited for you to attack.

But all you did was nuzzle my face with your ear

And turn so my nose scratched your back.

An odd response, yes, from a cat to a dog,

But we’ve never been like the rest:

You don’t have a name, for a start,

Y’know? And I like your cat food the best.

I could see right then that we would be pals

And hang out all of the time.

The others may bark and meow to our face

But together I know that we will be just fine.

On Being Cute

I find it queer when people want to pat and pinch and prod

My back, and stroke my belly and my face; it’s really very odd.

I know I look so damnéd cute and just so very twee,

But really, I have clever thoughts, I’m learning Japanese.

I’m also reading War And Peace (well, re-reading, I suppose)

And learning algorithmic maths. Oh, and making all my clothes.

They’re not for me, before you jest, I sell them on eBay.

They fetch a pretty penny too, I'll be filthy rich one day.

The ties I make are popular - all my own design -

And sweaters do fly off the shelves; I’m knitting all the frickin' time.

And when I’m not with needle-thread you’ll find me with a drill.

I’m making kitchen cab'nets, see? One with a low, low grill

So I can cook all my own food - I do so love homemade -

I’ve made a shepherd’s pie before, and vegetables sauteed.

But sitting at the human counter really is a chore,

I’ve had to do all of my slicing-dicing on the floor!

I need to have a proper surface, not too much to ask,

But to avoid a hefty bill, I’m doing all the work myself.

It will not take me very long - I have a maths degree -

I should think one more week or so, then please, you must come round for tea.

The Mystery Dog

It follows me, this big dark dog,

Everywhere I go.

He doesn’t smell of anything

Which does annoy me so.

I don’t think he’s a terrier,

(He doesn’t look like me),

His back is round, he has no ears

I wish that I could see

Him better, that he’d just stand up.

He’s always lying on the ground,

That lazy pooch,

Oh, just get up!

He’s never nearby when I wake,

Only when I’m out,

And if it rains (or it is dark),

He hides from me and I have doubts

That he is ever there at all

But then, when the sun shines,

He darts about the park with me

All of the bloody time.

I cannot catch him when I run -

Even if I’m fast -

He’s aways right there next to me

And never running too far past.

I find it rude that he won’t come and

Introduce himself.

I’m very friendly, I won’t bite,

And whenever I say hi myself

He runs about as fast away as I do run

To him,

I’m getting sick of all his games,

God help him, the day that I catch him.

City Dog, Country Dog

I met a friend by the bins today,

I met a new friend by the bin.

He was a little bit bigger than me,

But I wasn’t frightened of him.

He gave me a sniff, I gave him one back,

I looked him up and down.

I stared him out and said to him,

“I haven’t seen you around town.”

“I’m new around here,” the big dog said

As he looked down his nose at me.

That seemed a little aggressive, I thought,

And I wandered off to a tree.

“I didn’t mean to be so rude,”

The big dog at once replied.

“It’s just that I don’t have any mates,”

And with that, Big Dog sighed.

“I came from someplace so far from here

Where we had green fields and grass.

This town it smells so strange to me -

Plus, I really do hate all these cars.”

“I don’t know where you mean,” I said,

Sitting down by the bins.

“I’ve lived here all my life, you see,

‘Fields’? What are these things?”

“A city dog! Wow!” barked Big Dog at me,

“I’ve never met someone like you!

You couldn’t show me the ropes, y’know?

I don’t suppose you could, could you?”

“Yeah, I could do that,” I told my pal.

“Yeah, I could do that for you.

But you’d need to do one thing for me,

Then I’ll do this favour for you.”

“Oh, name it, Little Dog, do name it to me!

I’ll do anything you ask!

I’m scared of this place, of all of the cats

And the cars that drive oh so fast.”

“I’d like you to take me to your hometown

To see all these fields oh-so-green.

I do need a break from this hectic place,

Dude, I need a change of scene.”

"But I don’t know how to get back there,

"I was carted away from that place,

I would if I could but I can’t, you see,

If I could, then back there I would race.”

“That’s a shame,” I said, and I sauntered off.

“That’s a terrible shame, for you.”

There’s nothing else I want, you see.

Best of luck in the city. Adieu.”

It may have been harsh not to help him out,

It may have been so unkind.

But I’m a city dog, see, with taxes and bills:

I’ve got tons of bloody other stuff on my mind.

So give me a break from those eyes that judge,

Don’t lay all your morals on me.

He’ll find his own way around the town,

And if not, well, he should have worked harder, y’see?

The next thing I heard of our friend, Big Dog,

Wasn’t good (perhaps shut your ears):

He fell down a manhole that wasn’t closed up.

Drat! Now I’ll never see those damnable fields.