Mr Squirrel, My Old Friend

Everyone makes such a fuss

Of you, you swine, but it’s a bluff!

I see right through your auburn hue,

Can tell what mischief you’re up to...

You scamper, pause and scramble up

The tree trunk till you reach the top,

And there you perch. “So cute!”, they think,

But here’s the truth - it’s not so pink:

You’re mean and scratchy, much too fast,

That speed ain’t normal, whizzing past

My nose before I’ve time to ponder

How to catch you for my supper.

Throwing conkers from on high -

Make believe they’re from the sky.

You’ve bashed and bruised me once or twice,

I’ll tell you now; it don’t feel nice.

One clocked my tail, my funny bone,

And had me limping all’way home.

I spy you tossing nuts at kids

And tripping them with hidden sticks.

You’ve got that mean glint in your eye

(I know you laugh when babies cry).

You cheat when we play chase-about;

I can’t climb trees, you know that now.

And yet you do insist on hiding

Where you know I’ll never find you.

Spoilsport (for that’s all you are),

Your attitude won’t get you far.

How’d you like it if I ran

Into my house when things got fun?

To my bed so warm and cosy,

Feeling really, mighty toasty,

And pressed my nose against the glass

To smirk at you in that cold park?

You’d hate it, that’s what, let me tell you,

It’s not nice when people tease you.

Nibbling nuts like royalty,

How d’you think that feels, to me?

So next time that you shoot me evils

From your high branch, tossing pebbles,

Remember now, the truth, beware:

You’re just a rat with better hair.