The Family Who Cried Walkies

“Walkies, Daisy! Walkies!” they cry,

But do not believe them, it's surely a lie.

It’ll be hours before we reach the park,

And if we do get there, it’ll be dark.

I don’t think they mean to be ever so daft;

It’s the way that they’re programmed, the way that they are.

And nothing I do now will change things a jot.

This is my fate, this is my lot.

The problem we have is just one of the mind

(Not one which signals they’re being unkind):

They call out my name then remember they’ve left

A cake in the oven, a shirt in the press,

The hoover on auto, the phone off the hook,

They’ve spilled all their Coco Pops over a book.

They haven’t got shoes on or can’t find their hat,

They trip over carpets and step on the cat.

They need a quick coffee - they’re still half asleep -

They fumble around for my packet of treats.

And don't get me started on finding the keys!

(Or losing the car and calling the police.)

We finally leave but we're back in just two

When someone realises they need the loo;

They’ll take an umbrella in case it should rain -

Sometimes I think this is all just a game

Which I don’t find funny - am I missing a trick?

Really, this game is a pain in the neck.

I lie here and wait, so patient at first,

Gradually my bladder threatens to burst.

And just when I think that we’re ready to split

Along comes the doorbell. This is the pits.

The visitor usually stays for a while

And everyone (bar me) is giggles and smiles.

If they only could see my face under the fur

And see that my lip is beginning to curl.

I won’t let it bug me or mess with my head.

Though later, I swear, I will crap in their beds.

Twins

Tied and bound outside Waitrose,

Why I’m here, nobody knows.

But right behind me, tied beside

My lead, I look into some eyes

I recognise, some eyes I know!

And, lo, I think I know that nose

As well, it’s black and damp like mine,

My Lord, a touch of luck sublime!

Who is this creature just like me?

What is, why is, how is she?

Her name is Poppy (says the tag)

I lift my tail and start to wag.

With all this joy, I’m fit to burst,

I’d better just say hello first.

I cough and clear my throat to say:

“My name is Daisy. To you, good day.”

Poppy nods in my direction

But doesn’t proffer introduction.

Instead she turns away from me

And gazes, blankly, at a tree.

I pull my lead ‘til it is taut

And march around the big food court

So I am level with her head

And then repeat what I’d just said:

“My name is Daisy, did I stutter?

This is where you offer up a

Name yourself, you sulky pup.

What’s wrong? Will you please just cheer up?

You give us Westies awful press

By being moody and depressed.

It’s not so tough to smile and woof

And give a courteous little sniff.

Try it once, I bet you’ll see

That being affable like me

Will get you far in this tough life

So full of misery and strife.”

On the mention of that word

My twin spun 'round about so hard

And glared my way with dagger eyes

But what came out was a surprise:

“Disculpame, no hablo Ingles,

No puedo entender lo que dices.

Quizas dilo a mi madre cuando

Regressa del supermercado?”

Oh dear, gasped I, a Spanish pooch,

I was so blind in my approach!

I was too quick to criticise

A foreigner who’s probably nice!

I crouched down on four bended knees

And stuttered forth apologies,

I begged forgiveness and all that

Man, I felt a proper twat.

Poppy stood and stared at me,

Wholly uncomprehendingly.

On occasion she just shrugged,

Looked bored - as if she had been drugged.

Eventually Mum came out

Unhooked then swivelled me about.

She turned us back towards the car

(Which, happily, was not parked far).

I strained my neck to say bye-bye

And out the corner of my eye

I heard a very British grunt -

I’d swear la Poppy whispered…something awfully rude.

Dog On Dog

There is something on my back,

I can feel it lying there,

Is it going to attack?

My, it has a lot of hair.

It doesn’t feel so strong,

No, it’s really rather light,

But it seems to be quite long,

Oh Lord, will it be there all night?

It must have climbed aboard

When I think I drifted off

And I feel a little floored -

Though it’s sort of kind of soft.

Maybe it’s a gremlin

(‘Cos I know it’s not the cat)

It could be a small person,

Or perhaps a silly hat?

He doesn’t seem to talk

For he hasn’t said a thing

And he never ever barks

Or chirps, or growls, or rings.

He doesn’t move an inch,

Even if I stir,

And he doesn’t make me itch

(He has very nice soft fur).

In fact, I don’t know why I’m whiny

For this thing that’s lying on me,

He does make me feel quite cosy;

I’m as toasty as can be.

A Frog, A Dog And A Tiger

I hear you before I see you.

A small croak, one crooked offbeat to the

Padded patter of my feet.

I wonder what you are doing down there,

Sitting in the road, waiting for a bus.

The city is a funny place for a frog.

Particularly one called Tiger.

You don’t say much, your throat is busy

Thump, thump, thumping

And your bug eyes don’t tell me anything

That your tight fists don’t.

I wonder what you might taste like,

You look a little dry.

I want to poke you but I have never seen

One of you before. Do you bite?

A pie box is fetched from the cafe across

The road and you are scooped up and

Dropped into it.

Lunch, I guess.

But when we reach the garden

I am shut inside and you are the one

Released out onto the grass.

I’ll find you later, I think.

You just need a good dressing.

To Market We Go

A pound of ripe tomatoes, please,

And half a tub of lemons,

Six slightly green bananas, sir,

And two of those plump melons.

One avocado - make it two -

And then some tangerines

(I feel some sniffles coming on,

I need some Vitty C).

Why don’t we get a pineapple?

They are such fun to eat!

I love Jerusalem artichokes,

Ooh, they’ll be such a treat.

Do be so kind and throw me over

Sixteen bulbs of garlic -

I’m doing Sunday roast, you see,

So do chuck in some parsnips.

Let’s cook some tatties, ten will do,

And steam some long french beans.

For pudding I’ll do fruit compote

With cinnamon and cream.

What do you mean by laughing at me?

What’s so funny now?

You’ve never seen a shopping dog?

Jeez, man, don’t have a cow.

Just because I’m more sophisticated

Than the rest

It doesn’t call for mockery,

It’s impolite to jest.

Now, how much do I owe you, fella,

How much might that be?

Fifteen pounds, you say, do you?

Fifteen pounds. I see.

Now here’s the rub, sir,

Here’s the snag,

I don’t mean to be funny,

But after all, I’m just a mutt,

I don’t have any money.

Now, hold that temper, don’t get cross,

Please don’t shout at me,

Let’s put this all behind us now,

How ‘bout a cup of tea?

And anyway, you really have been

Paid an awful lot

In kind if not in actual cash:

Hey, you just met a talking dog.

Beachy Lover, Spotted

I spotted you, you spotted thing,

Gazing out to sea.

Standing gracefully ‘neath the sun,

Just in front of me.

Your tail so pert, your coat so white,

Your ears so floppy black,

Your long, fine legs were carrying

The smooth slope of your back.

I stopped fast when I spotted you

And turned back on myself;

I knew you would be trouble but

Sometimes one just can’t help oneself.

I coughed a little - coyly, like -

And kicked about some sand,

Hoping that you’d turn around and

Take me by the hand

And whisk me off to paradise

On T’other end of beach.

But turn to face me you did not,

Our love, it felt so out of reach.

I thought of all the wondrous things

We could have done together:

Chasing cats and eating bones

In just all kinds of weather.

Taking long walks on the shore -

Peaceful, me and you -

We could have played chess or backgammon,

Even rented a canoe.

I saw a gang of little puppies:

Furry, spotty, white.

I saw our future, knew it well

And vowed you would be mine tonight.

I puffed my snowy, downy coat

And slicked back wayward hair,

Prepared to venture up to you

And make you see me, make you care.

The walk to you was infinite,

A never-ending stroll,

(I even tripped on a big shell

And used a child to break my fall)

But the second that I reached your side

I knew that I’d come home,

I didn’t even need the words

I’d carefully jotted down.

I lay my head upon your side and rested,

Closed my eyes,

But what you did next startled me,

Your actions took me by surprise:

You growled at me, you bared your teeth,

Ready to attack,

My eyes popped open and I jumped

And then I stumbled quite far back.

Turns out you were not quite the man

You had seemed from back there.

My heart did rip asunder

As you barked at me, disturbed the air.

I scuttled off (I have to say,

I was a little scared),

Part of me - no, all of me -

Had really thought you’d truly care.

Alas, alack, ‘twas not to be,

Our peachy, beachy love.

But, hark! Check out that spaniel, there!

Right, Spotty, scram! Just beat it! Shove!