On Being Cute

I find it queer when people want to pat and pinch and prod

My back, and stroke my belly and my face; it’s really very odd.

I know I look so damnéd cute and just so very twee,

But really, I have clever thoughts, I’m learning Japanese.

I’m also reading War And Peace (well, re-reading, I suppose)

And learning algorithmic maths. Oh, and making all my clothes.

They’re not for me, before you jest, I sell them on eBay.

They fetch a pretty penny too, I'll be filthy rich one day.

The ties I make are popular - all my own design -

And sweaters do fly off the shelves; I’m knitting all the frickin' time.

And when I’m not with needle-thread you’ll find me with a drill.

I’m making kitchen cab'nets, see? One with a low, low grill

So I can cook all my own food - I do so love homemade -

I’ve made a shepherd’s pie before, and vegetables sauteed.

But sitting at the human counter really is a chore,

I’ve had to do all of my slicing-dicing on the floor!

I need to have a proper surface, not too much to ask,

But to avoid a hefty bill, I’m doing all the work myself.

It will not take me very long - I have a maths degree -

I should think one more week or so, then please, you must come round for tea.

The Mystery Dog

It follows me, this big dark dog,

Everywhere I go.

He doesn’t smell of anything

Which does annoy me so.

I don’t think he’s a terrier,

(He doesn’t look like me),

His back is round, he has no ears

I wish that I could see

Him better, that he’d just stand up.

He’s always lying on the ground,

That lazy pooch,

Oh, just get up!

He’s never nearby when I wake,

Only when I’m out,

And if it rains (or it is dark),

He hides from me and I have doubts

That he is ever there at all

But then, when the sun shines,

He darts about the park with me

All of the bloody time.

I cannot catch him when I run -

Even if I’m fast -

He’s aways right there next to me

And never running too far past.

I find it rude that he won’t come and

Introduce himself.

I’m very friendly, I won’t bite,

And whenever I say hi myself

He runs about as fast away as I do run

To him,

I’m getting sick of all his games,

God help him, the day that I catch him.